beauty lies?

her eyes so bright

and cheeks so red

she seemd like a fairy

though dim as a glim

she had me for the evening

i thought i got

but lost in the wilder

tht heart had longed for

her eyes so bright

and cheeks so red

A reluctant dreamer?

Back in old days, sometime around or after crusades when Truish empire was knocking(no banging) on the gates of europe, some turk with an evil genius thought of an idea, an idea which still manifests its self in so many ways. Turks used to abduct or capture young christen boys, would be given in custody of army . Army would raise these boys to be ferociuous soldiers, in modern day words , “killing machines”. They were called Janisaries. the Janaisaries were best of the best, they knew nothing else but fight to kill. These young boy were used against their very own people (speaking in broader terms of religious connections). destroying the very palces they belonged to ….

I just finished a book last night called, the reluctant fundamentalist. and a couple of pages of tht book seemed so relevant to me , they hit me right inside, though the situation described was slightly different but one thing that author used as a foundation for his whole argument was related to janissaries.

this book is about a guy who graduates from princton , gets into top fincnail firms and has the best of life in NY , while his parents in Pakistan , and as 9/11 happens something dawns on him , things tht he never tried to understand earlier, he is not a religious zealot , he is infact a liberal who drinks and had had sex on numerous occasions , but he becomes aware of his connection as an ordinary citizen of a muslim devleoping country to larger world politics. that is where the author uses “janissaries” to explain his state of mind. he is working for the same america that has always been in some way or the other involved in the suffering of his homeland , and has been playing a role in emergence of an impending war(with india at that time) on the very place this charachter comes from , and he never realised he is working at a place which is at the heart of american imperliasm.

this has been bothering me since last night , as the situations which he mentioned are more relevant to today’s time, with american genrals and congressman threatening to inflict war on the same areas I come from , where my family lives, where my friends live, where my forefathers are buried

and yet i am dreaming to become a part of their(american) grandeur, a degree from columbia and a job at jewel of world economy

this book indeed has made me a reluctant dreamer

wrong post

my previous post was supposed to be about the uncertainity that is involved when we are shifting from one physical or psychological state to the other, that is why i started it with a quote from kahlil Gibran, however i wandered as usual in to my pointless, stupid rants.

What i wanted to write was that there is a strange kind of comfort in familirity , certainity . and that is captured by the quote really nicely. Even if some one is living in afghanistan and he/she has to move to move to a developed area they will feel something in their heart for their land, those streets, their home, the peole around them . just becuase you have suffered does not mean you will not find any comfort in the idea of a place.

 

Ok my writing just SUCK , and i totally wasted the quote and i could not express what i was feeling ……….#@$#@!$!@#$#@!$#@!$#@$#@!$!#@$#@$$%#@%$#$#%$%$#!@#!$#@%$

thats for my writing skills

shall i read???

“who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?” The prophet , Kahlil Gibran

I have been advised that I should start reading books, I know its already late and i have tried a couple of times but they tend to get boring very quickly , i dun have the patience to read the whole book so the very few times i have tried to read books, i took a short route after reading through first chapter , i normally skip all the chapters and go to the last one ( obviously i have tried to read stories and fiction mostly….I sound as if i have read at least 30 books may be you should divide it by 10)

so now i have started reading khalil gibran’s the prophet, stupid as it may sound i have a tendency to start new things which demand time , normally at crucuail junctures like the present one , i have to write two papers , give to presentations , complete my research for State bank and also prepare for exam of accounting (which i read some 4 years ago) and in the midst of all this i am planning to start a new hobby >> reading ….yes you know the outcome

there is no denial that i am bad with girls, I am bad when it comes to socialising in genral , BUT particularly when I have to socialise with girls, I am pathetic ……..more precisely I am pathetic when it comes to intiating the process of socialising , if some else makes an effort then I am ok ,

but what may be the reason behind all this ???/

its not that I am alergic to girls, or I am shy in front of them  infact once i start talking to some one i tend to be exxtremly frank( which again is another negative side of my personality)

I just know why can’t I talk the initiative , ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ok Yasir stop it , not again , people get different meaning from posts

emptiness

a complete emptiness, i am feeling as if there is a hallow inside inside my chest, with absolutely nothing in it , i have been feeling this emptiness for quiet sometimes now , and certain other feelings related to it in varying forms.

I know there is a reason for me to be in this world, but to find that reason i have to have somthing inside, but as of now i have lost even the little something tht comforted me all these years, not suddenly but slowly i have transformed into a person who is constantly on the run , in search of things which mean something in short run , but when i look at the larger picture all these things doesnot fit together

I have always been more nethusiastic about short term goals, like exams, addmissions , internships, study abroad etc but what next , i am not able to get a single hint of direction from inside which had been a major source of direction for me , but all this has changed over the years especially over the past two years,

an empty heart, a void inside

a void inside ,

an empty heart a space so large,

engulfed by dark, with shades of light

a blessing easily got

wandering inside, my soul so tired

a stranger in its own

in a place lost to darkness

locked in Central Bank

yes it sounds stupid , like how can one be locked in CB ? there are guards at every cornor , and getting locked implies in some way that one must be inside with alot of money inside some huge underground gold chamber .

but thats not the case, right now as writing this words i am literally locked in State Bank of Pakistan’s building with probably 2000 other employees ….by the security team of our beloved retired genral MUSHY. YEs he is supposed to come to SBP ( he may already be here) and as security measure army has cordoned off the whole SBP building , and they are not allowing any one to come in or go out of building , access to even cafeteria has been blocked , and the worse thing , Its satureday which is half working day .and I normally elope out of office by 12:30 instead of waiting for 1:30

but now its exactly 1 and there is not hint that we may be let out any soon.

Oh MUSHY …….

Sindh Adventures

its been 5 weeks that i am in KHI , and for weekends I mostly hang out with my friends ( interestingly 90% of my friends are in khi) . And becuase of the adventurous and non boring nature of my friends ( ahem ahem) I spend two out of 5 weekends exploring near by places out of karachi ,

so for my second week end in karachi we decided to go explore part of badin district , hyderabad and umer koot , obviously we are not adventours enough to venutre into these places with out having any on ground contacts  …..yes one of my friend is from some where around hyderabad ( his village is in badin district not hyderabad)..

The trip was quiet interesting to say the least and very very tiring , one thing that i was fascianted by was the breeze in hyderabad and badin , we slept outside without any fans and we had to take light blankets in the middle of the night

the most interesting part was the midnight hunting , yes , we went out to hunt ( though i was not interested) we went out on a tractor with a big search light and our hosts , armed with automatic pistol and a repeator short gun.  we did not hunt anything , just fired randomly …

next day we went to omer kaut , yes the birth place of Akbar , though i didn’t go there as akbar has not made any monument at that place supposidly out of shame of being born at the time when his family was on the run ….

this little trip raised out excitement level , we deceided to plan out another trip for NANGAR PARKAR , its apparently rich with hindo temples and old relics, but our excitement was short lived as we needed a jeep to go there which offcourse we can’t afford …..

so we returnd same day to karachi, through a 5 hrs long drive,….

i would suggest people to explore itnerior sindh , though you may come across hostorical places which are in extremly bad condition to be appreciated but still you will have a chance to see a new place…